random thought scampered across my mind tonight, and thinking back on it, i can't help but smile & let the simple joy of it warm me -- from my heart & spirit, out.
love wins.
how simple. how direct. how easy. yet somehow we make love messy & confusing. not to mention daunting. i'm not talking about love-y love; i'm talking about every day, regular family, friends, enemies, co-workers, the-person-in-the-car-next-to-you kind...
if only we could all truly love each other. agape love. good old "you're just a person, too" love that allows imperfection & fears & do-overs without condition. not the "walk all over me like a doormat" kind, but the love that grows & stretches as you wrestle with life together & walk in the rain & dare to take a step just beyond where the sidewalk ends.
idyllic & dreamy, right? i know. so until we all link pinkies & declare a unanimous truce, i'll keep fumbling to get there cuz i know that i know that love wins.
our god…who created the
world in the palm of his hand & calls each star by name…delights in seeing
us giddy about the silliest, simplest thing that he does for us.like when we randomly mention that it's a
perfect day for a cozy, knit, hammock-y chair…AND THEN HE GIVES US ONE!along with a beautiful, cool, rainy nite at a
cozy café.
our god DELIGHTS in us
when we are DELIGHTED.especially when
we delight IN HIM.it's this amazing,
wonderful, never-ending circle.
these past weeks have
been a little bumpy.i've been wrestling.
not so much with god but with
emotions.in anticipation of the end of
"the race" (really just of this leg of the much longer "race") and getting back
to the states, i feel like i'm wading in a rolling tide.i'm so excited to get there…and at the same
time i'm petrified to not wake up to "this" - this culture, this family, this
country, this market, this worship, this brokenness, this celebration…
it's easy to get lost
as each wave washes over me.it's in
that moment that the easiest response is protection - protect my emotions…my
fears…my excitement…protect "this" and move on to "that."i've operated that way before and it's worked
out ok, so why not be consistent, right?
but he won't let me.
god won't let me
protect anything this time.this time,
he's bringing me thru every moment…as wonderful & painful as each one is…all
the while reminding me, in a non-stop series of waves, you could say, that the
only thing that truly protects me is prayer.
he's drawing me closer
to him.it has been a time of intense,
intimate prayer.when something happens
and my response is worry - i pray a simple prayer and release it, truly
trusting, with confidence, that he has heard me & that it is done. when something happens and my response is joy
- i praise him, knowing that he is celebrating with me.
so these past few days, amazing things have started
happening at home and here.random
things have just started falling into place.god has been making connections that i never could have orchestrated,
and he's answering prayers big, small, and some just plain silly…like those for
a cozy, knit, hammock-y chair.
and yet again, i am just plain delighted.in HIM.
here is my servant whom i have
chosen, the one i love, in whom i delight;
i will put my spirit on him, and
he will proclaim justice to the nations.
on a travel day, these six guys are out before any of us
getting the [insert various method of transport here] packed.often when we've had to walk long distances,
they've carried an extra full pack.they
walk us back to wherever we're staying after dark.they deal with the drama that inevitably
comes with 21 girls.
when you meet aaron, you know you're meeting someone
special.he looks you in the eye.he is confident, caring, patient &
optimistic…but not in an in-your-face kinda way.he loves meeting new people, building
relationships and connecting people - and he's incredible at it.aaron is the guy that asks how you are, and
means it.when we get our haircut or get
a new something, he notices & tells us.aaron has given and given this year.he has, by observation, been broken for every place we've been.for the children.for the mothers.for the men.for the pastors.month after
month, aaron has arrived at debrief exhausted from truly pouring every ounce of
himself into the people on every path he & his team crossed.
brandon
brings deeper meaning to intimacy with jesus.in quiet time.in prayer.in worship.he is sensitive, obedient and introspective.he is awesome to sit and have coffee or a
bite to eat with - and the coffee or food is completely secondary to the
conversation.he pays attention to
detail and remembers things…and then asks you about them later to see how
things are going or how a specific person is doing.he gives readily, selflessly &
joyfully.brandon has an amazing way of asking tough
questions and saying tough things without being offensive…and then sticking
with you through the "how do i deal with it" part.brandon
is an amazingly loyal, dedicated, passionate friend, and it is obvious that he
learns this directly from jesus.
the first things i remember learning when i started getting
to know danny are: he loves worship, he's goofy, he's got a servant's
heart.months have passed.danny leads worship, and he plays guitar and
worships in his free time and his quiet time.danny is, indeed, goofy.danny
has served.and served.and served.these things aren't just things about danny…they are the core of danny,
and he shares them passionately with us.he is just as easily deep in worship as he is available to go do the
most random, fun activity. he has,
without hesitation and on many a day, gone from playing in the dirt with kids
to teaching english to organizing ministry & talking with contacts.danny always has time for everyone, and he
makes each one feel uniquely important.
mark is ever the big
brother.growing up with two younger
sisters, he is always watching over us - especially when we're not aware of
it.he waits back when one of us needs
"just a minute" after the rest of the group is out the door.he is honest about what he's gifted at and
works humbly at the things he's still learning.he has a sixth sense for when someone needs a hug or a simple word of
encouragement, and he's always available to listen.he's also our free spirit - he loves to
wander new cities and see what they're all about, and he just might hitchhike
all the way home across canada
after the race!
kyle is our thinker.he has learned a ton this year about simply being with the Lord, and
after any teaching, you know he's mulling it over for awhile.he's great to sit with and talk about what
God's teaching you and how that ties into where He's leading.kyle has a passionate heart for prayer, and
he's always there to help with anything that needs to be done.he has an incredible tenderness towards and
children.he is an equally great friend
and teacher to them…although you may not notice these two qualities at since
initially they tend to hang off of him like a jungle gym.anyone who knows kyle well knows that he
deeply desires to live simply, connect deeply & give everything.
out of all six guys, i think seth has surprised, and
continues to surprise, me most.he is
often quiet, but when he has something to say, you best listen closely.he'll say he doesn't do a good job of showing
when/how he cares, but i'd disagree. he's reached out to everyone around him in
the simplest, kindest ways, whether by cooking birthday breakfasts or a
thanksgiving feast with a hotpot & two fry pans, standing to the side to
let all the girls get a meal before him, checking in with people to see how
they're doing, etc.seth's patience with
where the Lord is taking him & what He's teaching him along the way is a
gift not only to his own growth but also a lesson for the rest of us.
there are few things that i can truly say have
remained constant for the past nine months.one of them is this: community is a love-hate relationship.there probably isn't a single thing that i
love about living in community that at one point or another hasn't driven me
absolutely nuts.the odd thing, however,
is that even at my worst moments, when all i really want is to run far, far
away, i love living in community.i love
each and every person.they walk along
side me, challenge me, hold me up, laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me
& simply "be" with me.
dietrich bonhoeffer captured the gift of
community best when he said, "it is not simply to be taken for granted that the
christian has the privilege of living among other christians."because of my squadmates, i am a better
person.
because of traday, i know god knows our itinerary much better than we
do. and it's best that way.
because of caitlin, i have a totally new appreciation for the depth
& breadth of worship.
because of sarah, i know god delights in each of us.
because of jea, i didn't have to fight the facebook pressure alone
for 9 months…and didn't have to dive into it alone a few weeks ago, either.
because of mark, i know a free spirit is sometimes the best
guide.
because of pam, i will never look at perseverance the same.
because of cam, i know god uses us in ways we'd never expect or
anticipate.
because of lindsey, i have seen hearts set on fire.
because of becky, i know god will never leave us.
because of colleen, i understand the beauty and release that shine
through true, deep, transforming healing.
because of meg, i know god has a plan for each of his
children.
because of brandon, i believe the words "glorify," "passionate,"
"worship" & "servant" transcend definition.
because of burrowmeister, i know that the awkward hug* is not only possible
but can be successful and perfected over time. *hugging someone whilst both parties wear both a
daypack on the front and a full
travel pack on the back.
because of renee, i understand the bond of sisterhood better.
because of jackie, i know god gives us boldness.
because of kari, i have witnessed the transforming power of
obedience.
because of jenn, i know god really does give us his heart.
because of danny, i better understand the heart of worship.
because of trael, i know nicknames just make everything more fun.
because of krystle, i have seen tears heal.
because of christie, i know that if we never risk, we will never truly
gain.
because of molly, i am recapturing my dreams.
because of kyle, i know god works all things for good.
because of aaron, i understand what it means to live a surrendered
life.
because of haley, i know god gives us the desires of our heart.
because of seth, i have proof that all you really need to cook a
turkey and all the traditional thanksgiving fixins' is a hotpot & two fry
pans.
love
each other as god loves each one of you, with an intense and particular love. mother
teresa
this week has been, and continues to be, a big
week for us.things started off with a
bang as we rang in colleen's birthday "extravaganza style" - birthday masks,
Swedish fish scavenger hunt, pazookie (a giant cookie slathered in ice cream
& topped with peanut m&ms), roller-skating and all.tuesday we celebrated meg's birthday - no
less extravaganza-esque with bungee-jumping for the birthday girl & ses
amigos, pizza & the biggest red velvet cake ever, and today we get our
other sarah back (miss lapp is coming back to us after going home from africa
in january to be with her family after her mom was diagnosed with cancer).then tomorrow is molly's birthday - [insert more birthday fun here].
yesterday
was a celebration of a different kind, starting with an early morning.at 5ish sarah and i walked over to get
colleen from her host house, and the three of us walked over to the base.there we met up with the rest of our squad to
send our brother, mark, off* in true family style.before we could get started, tho, sarah was
commenting on how chipper the guys were.laughing, they said it was because they had stayed up all night playing
a few games of catan (i had never heard of settlers of catan before the race,
but in no less than two weeks, it was obvious that catan was more than just a
game.sometimes, i think it's more
important to them than eating is…).
"oh, so you went to bed late then?" sarah asked.
"no, we finished putting it away a few minutes
before you got here," kyle said.
"did you seriously stay up all night playing?"
sarah replied.
after a long pause, an innocent smile and a look
that clearly confirmed her question, seth & danny just happened to walk
into the room, one rubbing his eyes, the other yawning.in unison, we broke into laughter.
of course they had stayed up all night playing
catan.they love catan.mark loves catan.and playing a new version of the
game…twice…into the wee hours of the morning…allowed them to spend mark's last night
hanging out, uninterrupted by us girls, doing one of their favorite
things.we laughed and joked about it
during breakfast.we were still laughing
about it as we earnestly thanked god for catan & catan-bonding-time, for
our brother's tender heart, curious, bold spirit and natural leadership, for his
travels, for his sister & for his family.
as we sat in the quiet house leaning on &
reaching out to one another, our laughter & prayers filled the silence of
the early morning.a few bittersweet
tears spilled over and rolled down my cheeks as the emotion of the moment
washed over me.the sadness of knowing
mark would not be with us today to welcome sarah back, to celebrate molly's
birthday, or to experience these next few months was certainly real.but more importantly, our rag-tag group of
brothers and sisters were able to come together yesterday morning to celebrate
almost nine months together, to celebrate leah's recovery so far, and to
celebrate what god has in store for mark in these two months before we're
reunited for final debrief in nicaragua.
let the celebrations continue…
*mark left yesterday morning for canada to be
with his sisters, mom & dad as his youngest sister recovers from a recent
car accident.praise god her body has
healed & she has a wonderful, positive perspective.she & her family are adjusting, however,
to the changes that naturally have to take place with the conditions that
remain unhealed - she has lost all vision in her left eye & has only
minimal vision in her right eye.mark is
on his way back to help everyone with the transition & to simply be present
to help and encourage and love on them.
a couple of weeks ago, my friend jeanette was fasting, and the lord clearly asked her pray and fast again. "pray and fast for the men of all ages and generations."within those few brief moments god revealed to her a real burden, concern, respect and love for our brothers.
the whole vision then began to unfold…a call for all women of all ages and from all generations to rally together for a day of fasting, repentance and interceding for the boys and men in our lives, in others' lives, and in the world.men are created to be godly strongholds, pillars and towers for their families and for future generations around the world.some men today walk boldly in this call on their lives.others need to learn how to do this; they are capable - they just need encouragement and empowerment.
the lord showed her that for far too long men have received attacks - on their character, on their intentions, on their actions or lack thereof.then the lord shared with her how we as women can positively influence this to make change.(this is where you and i come in…) we are to enter into their world with encouraging, uplifting and interceding words and actions.
beyond prayer, we need to repent (ask forgiveness) on behalf of how we and generations of women have thought about, disrespected and treated men in our lives. any thought, frustration, attitude and word that wasn't uplifting or edifying to them we are to ask forgiveness for.
along with interceding and repentance, fasting was the last part of the process.fasting brings the cry of one's heart to a closer intimacy and urgency to the lord.it can be a fast of food, things, events, etc.
the day that was chosen is tomorrow, wednesday, april 30th.
the vision that the lord showed jeanette was that this needs to spread like wild fire. the more women that are praying…the greater the interceding…the greater the change…the greater the impact.please join us on this day.send this message to women all over the world…even send them this blog.
a few things that are laid on our heart for us to intercede for our brothers about:
-Godly men to come along side each other - covenant brothers that will love, challenge, uplift and hold each other accountable.
-direction in the calling the lord has put on their lives and to rise out of a life of discouragement and confusion.
-for a life that rejects passivity and abounds in courage, strength and power.
-that they would be men who pursue the woman god has chosen for each of them (if called to marriage) and that they would then lay down their life as Christ laid down His.
-vision, obedience, encouragement and power to step into spiritual leadership of their family.
our prayer is that God will reveal to each woman what this day looks like for them personally…for things to pray for, repent for and fast from.the call of obedience for this day is so strong. we can't wait to see the change that this is going to make! thank you for joining us in uplifting the men that are currently impacting and will continue to impact our lives.
it's funny what sitting and just being with God can do.He wants nothing more than to bathe us in His love…to show us how wonderfully & uniquely we are made…to release us from our fears, doubts & insecurities…to give us the desires of our heart.unfortunately, we fill our days with so many "to do's" and coffee dates, bible studies and fellowship, "need to's," "want to's" & "have to's" that we don't have enough time left over to just rest in Him.it took me a few weeks of sitting for hours just to end up with even 15 or 20 solid minutes of true stillness with Him, but when i got there, they were the most wonderful 15 or 20 minutes you could imagine.no bible, no music, no worship, no journal, no book; just me and Him.
since i found that place, anywhere else pales in comparison.you see, when i got there, God tenderly unlocked that secret place in my heart.the place where i store the things that i peek at only every so often…
the fears & inadequacies that i don't even admit to myself (much less others) that i have.
the passions.my heart's true desires that i long for but dismiss all too quickly."it's just a dream.i couldn't do it anyway…it isn't realistic.people would think i'm crazy."
you'd think that unveiling that level of your heart to yourself would be painful and leave you feeling raw, and if done by anyone else likely could leave you feeling that way.but not at the hand of our God.He is tender, gentle, patient and kind, and His timing is perfect.
the things that God asked me to release to Him in africa are not new, but i understand new depths of how they have impacted my life.in releasing comparison, confidence and compromising, God is revealing to me dreams that i have stifled and desires that i have dismissed.one thing that has been established in a totally new way is not settling - in my relationships, in pursuing my dreams, in how i live my life.i know i am not alone in this and that God has laid this on my heart for many of us to learn from.
what would it look like if we all pursued our passions boldy?the Lord provides always.He gives us the desires of our heart always.not just if we go to church on sunday.not just if we're missionaries.He provides for everyone who walks boldy in and is obedient to the desires of their heart.
the best way to step into this new desire He's given me has been to pretty much just dive in.to step out of my normal ways and allow myself to actually need Him.for a type-a person, this doesn't come naturally, but i'm getting there. i want to get to that place where i truly have no backup plans, truly don't worry about all of the little details, truly am led by His whisper. because if i never have a need, how will i ever know that He is truly my provider?
the catch is that i have to trust Him completely.i have to give Him my worries, my doubts, my insecurities, my passions, my desires, my heart.it means total surrender & total obedience in order to be fully alive - when He is fully alive within me.and then, if i am completely His, He will return all that i have given to Him in the unmatched ways that only He can.
i wrestle with God about giving things up and how it's going to hurt.then i surrender…and it's surprisingly not nearly as painful as i make it out to be.there's a freedom and a peace that comes from trusting our patient, loving, gentle Father.
this is what we have to learn right from the beginning: to listen to the voice of God in our heart, and then in the silence of the heart God speaks.then from the fullness of our hearts, our mouth will have to speak.
in silence he listens to us; in silence He speaks to our souls.in silence we are granted the privilege of listening to His voice.silence of our eyes.silence of our ears.silence of our mouths.silence of our minds. …in the silence of the heart God will speak.
after 17 years of school, i'd love to say that countless lessons stick out in my memory and left a distinct mark on who i've become.only one has come back time and again.
it was the end of senior year of high school, and, as you could imagine, discussion of getting away, adventures and the like were pretty much the norm.being the encouraging yet grounded soul that she was, our literature teacher let us do our thing as class began.when we quieted down, she leaned against the table at the front of the room and asked us to reflect on one simple question: what do you want to do in your life?
i remember that i didn't reflect long on my answer.she proceeded to have each of us read our responses aloud.everyone had these amazing things they wanted to do, and i remember being somewhat embarrassed to speak up."i want to be happy," i said.could i have been more cheesy?but it was so true - i knew that i could do anything if it was rooted in being happy.
oh, but what a challenge that simple task turned out to be.i started my college years started off doing a great job of being.however as i got closer to graduation and moved on to the professional world, i got more and more wrapped up in schedules, growth forecasts and performance reports.professionally, my value was a direct reflection of how much i did.wanting to do well and be valuable, i became really efficient, getting more done in less time and taking on more responsibility.
it took me 4 years to realize that what i was doing was robbing me of being…and i was the one robbing myself.i truly loved the things my job allowed me to do; i just didn't love the person that i was becoming in the process.i worked too much, i was way too task-oriented, and i rarely allowed myself to 'just be.'i couldn't even watch a movie without doing something else at the same time.the simple exercise from high school was never far from my mind; i just did a really good job at avoiding it and justifying the doing.
over the past few years i have re-prioritized quite a bit and have worked hard to focus more on 'being', but i continue to struggle.i am a doer; i like accomplishing things.i like doing things for people.and to add insult to injury, my blessing and my curse is that i'm actually gifted in organizing and multi-tasking."so take that, 'just being,'" right?haha
here i am craving time to 'just be' for these past 5 months, and i get here to finally just be…and it is one of the most comical experiences he and i have had on the race.he's certainly showing me his sense of humor.i can totally see him just laughing at me as i work on the discipline of solitude; i spend more time telling myself to just stop (praising him for what he's done; talking to him about what's going on each day; asking him for guidance; wondering about this or that…) than i do actually being quiet.but when i do get there, it is awesome.to just sit with the father and be in his presence is like the silence that you have with your closest friends.where you don't have to say a thing, and you still feel like you've shared everything you needed to.to give each other the gift of your time and your heart.
if it takes me the whole month to re-train my brain not to be validated by what i do and to rest confidently in just being…in listening…in sitting with the father, it will be a month well spent.of course i hope it doesn't take that long; that instead, i will learn quickly to be quick to listen and slow to speak.to be still and know our god.to know nothing so well as praying, listening and obeying.
anyone that knows me well knows that one of my greatest loves is fireworks.i don't know what it is about them - the sound they make when they go off…the anticipation that builds between the time they are fired and the moment they explode…the shooting colors lighting up the sky…the "oohs" and "aahs" from the crowd that's gathered…or just sharing the time with friends and family.
so as i prepared for the race, i prepared myself to miss friends, family, holidays, my dog, my bed…and fireworks.yes, fireworks quite possibly ranked among the top 10 things i prepared to "grieve" not having this year.laugh freely…go ahead…but honestly, i really thought i wasn't going to see fireworks all year.yeah - SO wrong in the best way. around the world, not only do people not need a special reason to shoot a few fireworks off…but when a special reason does roll around, people go nuts.
tonight - new year's eve - was no exception.we just enjoyed the most impressive fireworks display that any of us will probably ever see.atop a hill overlooking all of Manila, we watched fireworks light up the entire horizon for over two hours.big beautiful bursts of color and an orchestra of booms, "oohs," "aahs," and laughter filled the air…although i think the laughter was mainly our own in response to seth's narrating and danny's vocal stylings.they added extra entertainment to the show (which was, no joke, neighbors vying for "best of 2007" honors…doesn't seem like an inexpensive or particularly safe competition, but certainly an awesome one…).while seth pointed out every firework in every direction saying "did you see that one?""no, wait - did you see that one?that was joy,"danny was either making up songs or sing-humming "auld lang syne" (because seriously, does anyone really know all the words to that song?).i was in awe of the whole thing, and as we got closer to midnight, the show just got better and better until the entire skyline was full of golden willows, silver sparkles and colorful bursts of every shape and size.
i stood on that hill tonight reflecting on a year that leaves me speechless.a year ago, i would have never never imagined myself at this place - personally, spiritually, or geographically.
personally, i liked where my life was headed.i was loving being back in minnesota.i had found a cozy place of my own.i was making wonderful new friends and growing closer to old ones.i was starting to get comfortable in my own skin.i was diving into things i am passionate about.
spiritually, i was growing and certainly a faithful follower, but i didn't allow myself to depend fully on the lord.i had a place to call home.i had a car to get me anywhere i wanted to go.i had friends and family who knew me - listened, encouraged, challenged, loved me.all of my major needs were met on my own strength, and if there was something more i needed or wanted, i could just worked a little extra to make it happen.honestly, as much as i pursued him, i wasn't allowing myself to lean fully on him for everything.
geographically - well, geographically's a no-brainer.
but it wasn't about my plan or where i thought i was going personally, spiritually, geographically, emotionally, physically or any other "-ally."god's plan is so much bigger than our imagination, and tonight he impressed on me, yet again, that all he calls us to do is to delight in him.simply delight in the life he's breathed into us…in the way he has created us in his image - not physically, but in our heart…in creation…in each other…in his children.if we are simply obedient and walk in that, he rewards us in the most simple, subtle and extravagant ways.
…like putting you in the middle of paradise for six weeks.
…like allowing you to reach out to and build relationships with his beautiful people.
…like giving you experiences that make you smile so much your cheeks hurt.
…like blessing you with 25 friends that naturally become family.
…like providing holiday celebrations around the world that rival anything you've ever known.
…like putting on a fireworks show so beautiful that you have to stop and remind yourself that yes, this really is my life.
delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
in our family, christmas eve is the big day to celebrate together.everyone comes over early in the day and we catch up on what's new, play "the dice game" to vie for presents and share an amazing feast.it's a bittersweet point of the day when aunts, uncles and cousins start going home.as much as i want them to stay, when they start heading home, my immediate family has our time together, and that's fun, too.
to be totally honest, tho, the tradition that pulls strongest at my heart is the midnight candlelight worship service at church.there's just something about being in a room full of friends singing and dancing into jesus' birthday.then at the end, the lights are turned off and one single flame is lit at either side of the sanctuary, and one by one, each candle is lit until the entire sanctuary glows.it never ceases to bring me to tears as just our voices and the candlelight are lifted up to heaven in celebration of jesus.
in order to apply for the world race, i needed to be able to let this tradition go for the year in it's traditional sense, but not entirely.needless to say, i was really excited to carry this tradition that i love so much into this year's christmas celebration…island style Jone thing that has united our team from the beginning has been worship.aaron and danny do an amazing job at leading, and we are not afraid of singing our little hearts out.
christmas eve night was no different from a functional standpoint, but it definitely felt different.the songs just seemed richer…our voices lifted higher…the meaning struck deeper.as i glanced up from my spot in the sand, i was surprised by the impact of our gathering.
within a moment, i was transported from home to the beach we were on.first, i saw myself standing in my church at home, the soft light from thousands of candles lighting up our beautiful sanctuary.all of us standing there in our christmas best after sharing an amazing christmas feast.our surroundings are familiar - family, friends, comfortable pews, decorations - and our candles unfailingly burn bright.
then i was brought back to the beach we all shared.we sat under a star-filled sky as the waves crashed loudly behind us, and our candles flickered in the wind.we lifted our voices as we praised our Father in song and worship.our surroundings were both unfamiliar (location) and familiar (surrounded by friends who have become family), and it was a challenge to keep our candles lit.but when our flame blew out, we simply leaned to one side or the other and a friend re-lit it.when both of our flames went out, we worked together to block the wind, struck a match and re-lit both our candles.
sitting on the beach experiencing christmas the way we did this year was, in itself, life-changing.it was an honor to enter into jesus' birthday in such a meaningful way and to share it with my world race family.what we experienced together reflected so much of what i'm learning about fully living for jesus.it is not always easy, i lean on those around me way more than i ever anticipated i'd need to (i'm learning to let go of the independent "i can do it all myself" thing), and when you invite Him in completely, He'll surprise the heck out of ya.
